New Year’s Jokes
.
A woman from the feminist movement asked this radical question:-
Have you ever imagined what would have happened if there had been three wise women instead of three wise men at the Epiphany?
They would have asked for directions to the stable locally instead of going to Herod.
They would have arrived on time and helped deliver the baby
They would have cleaned the stable and brought practical gifts for the family to eat – like a casserole.
And there would have been peace on earth!”
Why did the skeleton go to the New Year party alone?
Because he had no body to go with.
I named my dog ‘Happy New Year.’
When I call him in every night, the neighbors think I’ve lost my mind.
On New Year’s Eve, a man who has had too much to drink decides to walk home.
A police officer stopped the individual and inquired as to his destination.
“I’m on my way to a lecture,” said the man.
“Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?” mocked the officer.
“My wife,” the man replied.
A Few Jokes To Smile About…
.
“Teacher,” announced little Joey, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”
“What’s that Joey?” asked the Sunday School teacher.
“Well accordin’ to the Bible, Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right”®
“An’ the Children beat up the Philistines, right?
“Er-right.”
“An’ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right an’ the Children of Israel wuz always doin’ something important, right?”
“All that is right, too,” agreed the teacher. “So what is your question?”
“What I want to know is this,” demanded Joey. “What wuz all the grown-ups doin?”
-----------
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, “It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon!”
-----------
An Emergency Call Centre worker in Melbourne has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialled 000 from a mobile phone stating, “This is Jonathan Davis and I am very depressed. I am lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally go to God.”
Apparently, “Remain calm and stay on the line,” was not considered to be an appropriate response.
A Few Jokes To Smile About…
.
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle does not have a shell, is homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
One nice thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do shops have signs, ‘GUIDE DOGS ONLY’, The dogs cant read and their owners are blind?
SENILITY PRAYER
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
And the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
FINISHED AND COMPLETE
People say that there is no difference between “finished’ and ‘complete’.
I say there is…
Marry the right person and you’re “complete”
Marry the wrong person, and you’re “finished”
WOODEN LEG
Yesterday I bought an old Elvis Presley record at our local market. It was called “Wooden Leg.”
I said to the stall holder, “I thought it was called “Wooden Heart?”
He said, “Yes, it is, but this is a pirate copy.”
A Few Jokes To Smile About…
.
A Few Jokes To Smile About.
Did you know that 97% of the world has difficulty with basic mathematics?
Luckily I’m in the other 5%.
My therapist told me, “Write letters to people you hate and then burn them.” Did that and now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
They say you shouldn't go grocery shopping when you're hungry but I ran out of food a few days ago, and it's just getting worse.
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return,"she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that
concerned about me?"
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
A Few Jokes To Smile About…
.
A Few Jokes To Smile About.
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god...
I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
An elderly couple were sitting in the lounge about to have afternoon tea. The husband got up and said I feel like some ice cream and syrup.
The wife said write down my order, I would love biscuits and tea. Write it down. You will forget.
A while later the husband arrived with beacon and eggs, and the wife said where’s the toast? I told you to write it down
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
A Few Jokes To Smile About…
.
A Few Jokes To Smile About.
Three ‘one liners’
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
“Yes, Theo, what is it?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t want to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don't get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble.”
An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on “Take Your Kids to Work Day”. As they were walking around the office the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”
A man shouted frantically into the phone,
“My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asked the dispatcher.
“NO!” he exclaimed, “this is her husband.”
A Few Jokes To Smile About…
.
A Few Jokes To Smile About.
Three ‘one liners’.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
Golfer: “You must be the world's worst caddy!”
Caddy: “No, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, "What companies?"
I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."
Aboard an airline flight from Australia to America, Grandma Alice was taking her very first flight.
They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in LA, Grandma thanked the stewardess. “The chewing gum worked fine,” she said. “Now that we've arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?”
A Few Jokes To Smile About…
A few jokes to smile about.
Today’s Jokes
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate for Jesus body to put in his family grave.
Pilate was astounded, “You’ve spent a fortune on that grave. Why give it to Jesus.”
Joseph replied, “It’s only for three days.”
h! the English language!
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Two Wi-Fi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
3 Jokes…
Three jokes for you today…
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.
Before crowbars were invented most crows drank at home by themselves.
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
The Proposal Gone Wrong
George had a unexpected response to his proposal …..
George had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting his response. "Did she accept?"
"No, she sure didn't," sobbed George. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out."
"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father.
"Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," George groaned. "I said, 'My darling, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"